...or under the stairs, or hiding in the bog. Anywhere where I can escape the mantras spewing forth from every TV and radio station.
"Yes we can"
"We can fix it"
You know, it's funny but you just never see Barak Obama and Bob the Builder on the same podium, do you?
Yes folks. Today, Barak Obama is due to be sworn in as head honcho - and as our state run TV station is set to poodle servitude mode, you can be sure the 51st state will be celebrating more than the other 50 put together. Just to make sure, the BBC will (as per usual) have sent hundreds of commentators, fixers, camera crew, pundits and David Dimbleby out to DC to cover the great event. As per, the usual suspects will be wheeled out on this side of the pond to weep, blub, clasp hands and choke as the great man swears the oath of allegiance. David (I met him once and now he's my bezzy mate) Lammy, Keith (Nero syndrome) Vaz and Dianne (am I being paid for this) Abbot will no doubt mention just once or twice that Obama is the the first black man to get to head honcho level. But they needn't bother - because the BBC will have already stated it as fact at least 40 times an hour.
Except that he isn't, is he? He isn't black at all. He's of mixed race - as much white as he is black, as is Lewis Hamilton. Still, getting that wrong is more of a minor irritation compared to the expectation of great daring dos being built up by the BBC. They could almost be running a Barak Obama night on BBC TV tonight in celebration. Let's check the schedules -
7.00pm: Its a Barak Obama Knockout. Stuart Hall introduces a special episode of the zany show in which citizens of the 51st state try to build a 100 ft effigy of the big O out of foam sheeting and 6 ft square sponges - while being attacked by reactionaries armed with custard flans and water hoses.
8.00pm: DIY SOS, Obama Style. Nick Knowles and the DIY gang lean on their shovels in wonder as the 44th President rewires, rebuilds and makes good the entire world out of MDF, swags and matching throw cushions.
9.00pm. Credo. Today, our religious discussion group will tackle the vexing question: Who does God think he is, Barak Obama?
I just wonder how long before the blinkers fall off. How long before the whispering of long forgotten scandals is heard around the West Wing corridors of power. What if Obama has history - just like virtually every other Prez has had? For to get to the top of that greasiest of greasy poles, to rise to the head honcho job of jobs surely means, by definition that corners have been cut..... That dodgy land deal in Hicksville.... This affair with the blonde dolly bird..... The other agreement with cigar smoking men in smoke filled rooms.... possibly.
So that's why our telly will stay off, as will the radio. The newspapers have been cancelled and I am settling down to a loud and very long session with Led Zeppelin. My old mates Jimmy and Robert will help me forget all that hubris, forgot all that weeping and watery eyed sentimentality wobbling out of DC for the next 48 hours..
God Bless Led Zepp' - God Bless Amnesia...